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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Give Me a Sword - Poem

So yeah...guess I've posted several poems lately. It's all good. Right?

::cricket....cricket::

Well, I'm still going to post it. haha.

I tried out a new rhyme scheme and I'm not sure if I like it or not. 10 syllables then 11 then 10 then back to 11 again. Let me know, you poetry buffs, if it worked out or not. The rest of you....enjoy!


Give me a Sword
-Nathan R. Petrie-

Give me a sword and I'll fight to the death.
I'll face off with darkness until my last breath.
Give me a blade and I'll guard who you are.
I'll conquer the masses and carry you far.

Give me a horse and I'll chase after you.
I'll ride day and night until I can see you.
Give me a steed and I'll race to your side.
I'll search for you, call for you, hope you won't hide.

Give me your treasures; I'll watch them all night.
I'll cherish them, savor them, guard with delight.
Give me your gold and I'll keep it unstained.
I'll punish the dirt that invades unconstrained

Give me your confidence; I'll see you through.
I'll prove with my actions the way I see you.
Give me just one word and I'll give you three.
I'll sing them, I'll write them--I want you to see.

But give me your hand, precious lady I'll woo,
I'll give all I have just to hear your, "I do."

23 comments:

The Director said...

Aw... I'm no poetry buff, but I really liked that!

*envies your poetic capabilities*

Donny Yodel said...

Another post from the oft-absent Keeneye. ^^ Rawr.

The meter pattern works. That's about all I can say on that. Some words that are usually left unemphasized are emphasized on the beat, but I have no idea how to solve that. Not even in my own poems, unless I have a better mind rewriting them for me. Apart from that minor quibble, however, I think it extremely good. And extremely sweet, too. =)

~ Gwendolyn

Nathan R. Petrie said...

@TD, haha well thank you very much :) I'm getting better the more I write.

@Gwen, I noticed that. Especially in the last line, which is obviously rather important. I thought of rewriting it as: "And I'll trade just all I have for your, 'I do.'" But I'm not sure about that.

I've never been the best at keeping that straight LOL

Glad you like it :D (I think it's sweet too LOL)

Ian said...

The rhythm definitely worked, although I agree with Gwendolyn that a few of the beats were a bit awkward. For the most part though, it was great. :)

I think this is my favourite line:

"Give me your confidence; I'll see you through."

I loved the rest of that stanza as well. Its last two lines might have been the most well-written out of the entire poem.

(As for the last line, you could change it to "I'll give all I have just to hear your 'I do'." I think that would fix the flow.)

Nathan R. Petrie said...

Ah good call Ian! I've been trying to figure out how to fix that LOL

Thanks so much!

Jake said...

O_o Excellent poem Keeneye! :) But who's the lady? ;)

Nathan R. Petrie said...

Thanks Jake!

Oh, that's for me to know and you to find out ;) LOL

Jake said...

O_o Oh, so it's that way, hm? >_> *figures he should go and find Keeneye on Facebook and check out all of his friends in search* ;)

Ian said...

Glad I could be of help. :)

I also feel like I should point out that in the first two lines of the second stanza, you rhymed "you" with "you"....:ninja:

:)Ian(:

Nathan R. Petrie said...

@Jake, feel free :D You'll never guess ;)

@Ian, LOL I know I know. But I"m allowed to do that :P :P :P

Barie said...

I like it :-) Love the way it feels to say when I read it out loud.

Millard of Swiftstorm said...

Hmm...Touching.

Millard of Swiftstorm said...

You could make the last line..

"I'll give you my heart, when you say I do."

Not that I've ever written real poetry..but I plan on fixing that--soon.

Anonymous said...

Great poem, Nathan! (I think you should change the last line to what Millard said, minus the comma.)

Hey, are you going to do a Christmas poem? I'd really love to read it, if you did!!

daughteroflight

Nathan R. Petrie said...

Thank you so much Barie!!

@Millard, I like the way it reads now. Thanks for the suggestion though!

@DOL, I meant to have a Christmas post up. But my time was stolen away from me :( I'm so sorry!

Anonymous said...

That's okay. Maybe next year. If you could do your next post on how your book is coming along (IF it's coming along), that would be wonderful. : )

DoL

Andrew K. York said...

Great, great poem! That is my favorite of the ones you have posted on 'Whispered Roars'. Superb!

How is your novel coming along?

aMandalin Rochele said...

Young man,
I have written, read and heard many a poem about young ladies longing for that man with a sword; but never have I even drempt that any young men write about them actually going to "rescue the princess".
I honour you.
Most sincerely,
Miss aMandalin Rochele

aMandalin Rochele said...

May I please post this on my blog? I know many young ladies who would enjoy this. I would, of course, link back to you and give you the credit.
Thank you for your kind consideration.
-Miss aMandalin Rochele

Nathan R. Petrie said...

@aMandalin Rochele, thank you so much for not only checking out my blog, but reading through older posts, and then commetning like this :) That means so much to me, thank you for your encouragement.

I honestly believe there are plent of guys like this out there...I've talked to girls longing for this kind of guy several times and it's just...terrible. Boys and men need to answer their calling and live as the defenders and cherishers of women/girls. And girls....well...force guys to treat you that way and don't settle for less hahaha

Yes you may repost the poem :) I'm hoping to have it published someday.

Thank you again for your encouragement, it really means a lot.

To the end,
Nathan

aMandalin Rochele said...

Nathan,
Thank you so much for permission to re-post your poem! =) You can view it at my blog, www.themaidenofvirtue.blogspot.com.
=)
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. There actually are quite a few respectful young men, but most young ladies aren't willing to hold as high a standard as God requests, so those Godly young men don't want anything to do with less-than-Godly girls. I have found that most boys feel intimidated by me...haha I don't mean it to be that way at all! I just don't want to settle for anything less than a Godly, manly, pro-homeschool man. =)
And it is my pleasure. =) "Encourage one another and build each other up!"
Respectfully,
-aMandalin Rochele-

Emily Ruthann said...

Nathan,
I so appreciated your poem. My sister, aMandalin, asked to repost the poem and you granted her access.
I am asking the same question. This is incredible! You really should publish it. It's... just exactly what every young man ought to be writing these days.

~Emily
emilytheindustrious.blogspot.com

Nathan R. Petrie said...

@Emily,
Hey thanks for stopping by! So glad you took something away from this poem :)

Right after I wrote it I had no desire to publish because frankly...it was an extremely private piece of writing. But as time went on I decided that this poem is really about my attitude toward any girl I'll court and could do some good for others to read. So...I hope to get it published someday....publishing poetry is differnt for me though haha

Thank you for enjoying it :)
And yes, feel free to repost as long as you cite me ;)

-Nathan

"Stand tall now and proclaim what you have seen, speak in whispered roars..."