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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Beside the Fence - Poem

So I haven't written a word in a long time....and as a writer, this is nothing short of starvation.

Sure, I've penned a million essays for school, a poem for English class, or a clever joke to pass the time. But when was the last time I sat down and crafted something I could be proud of? Something I could sign my name on with pride?

Well, last night I sat down and tried to do just that. This, my friends, was the product.

Enjoy! If you have any thoughts on the poem, fire 'em at me!

Beside the Fence
Nathan R Petrie

I walked beside the fence that night.
The bright moon played its brilliant light.
The wind sung gently through the leaves,
As autumn made its fluid flight.

The fence ran long across a yard,
Of grass, so green, so brown, so far.
Rough posts forced stiff into the ground,
By growers skilled with feilds to guard.
I scrutinized the fence, so fair.
And wondered if I might cross there.

A sudden urge pulled me to chase.
A cracking twig did make me race.
The wind blew frigid on my ears,
And cut the warmth right from my face.

It's then the snow began to fall.
The gorgeous blankets smothered all.
They froze the feet and burned the hands,
Yet I pressed on in spite of all.

I ran that night beside the fence,
And I've been running ever since.


Jessica said...

This is beautiful Nathan, I've missed your writing and your poetry. I love the setting, rhythm and feeling that these verses give.

Keep writing, have a lovely evening!


The Director said...

I absolutely love it! I'm not normally a fan of poetry, but I must say I like yours very much!

(Though, I must admit, I hardly understand what it is about..... I must go home and scrounge up some more intelligence before coming around here ;)

Ian said...

I love the idea of the poem, as well your imagery-filled execution of it. I don't fully understand what you were thinking about as you wrote it, but that only increased my enjoyment of it - which in turn is enhanced by the way you use your meter and rhyme scheme. (It's really refreshing to see someone use rhyme and metre, and use it well.)

The fact that the fence is the main focus of the poem, yet it's the only thing you don't describe or explain, also enhances the feel of the poem and the mysteriousness of the fence. Again, the poem's structure serves this effect well.

I do have some more critical thoughts on some part, though. :P

Your meter is off in some lines, more often than I see in most of your poems, which is probably why I didn't like this one quite as much as some of your others. That, and some lines seem forced or are worded oddly in order to make them fit the rhythm. In particular, in the stanza that starts with "A sudden urge pulled me to chase", I think all of the lines could be strengthened by finding a way to add to your ideas there - which might very well actually fit the meter even better, if you found a way to do it. I think these lines have good thoughts that need to be expanded upon just a bit, and the syllables you use on "extra" words could be instead put towards giving just a bit more insight into what you're trying to say. :)

(Example: "And blew the warmth /right/ from my face" - the word "right" could be taken out, which would give you an available syllable within the line to use for another more powerful word that would add more meaning or strength, rather than simply make the line fit a certain rhythm. Keep in mind, though, that doing this successfully will likely require you to rearrange the line and possibly take out or change more words, but as I think you'd already know, writing a fantastic, mind-blowing verse is worth the tons of work you need to put into it. :P)

So basically, just make sure that every word counts towards saying something new or interesting - holds its own weight, so to speak. Which is something I really only started to grasp myself fairly recently.

If my critique is too long winded, feel free to ask my clarify anything - or maybe just ask for a more concise, point-form summary of what I'm trying to say. :P

If you decide to edit the poem, and happen to think that my thoughts are worthy of consideration in the process, I'd be glad to provide some examples of what I'm trying to say. :P (Though that could take a while. I'll admit, it would be quite hard to rewrite any of these lines in a way that kept the ideas and the structure intact.)

If this feels at all like a "scathing review", keep in mind, you might be the first young author whose poems I've liked enough to actually give a thorough critique. I enjoy your stuff a lot, so I really do want to see you get a lot better. :)

Yes, you have reached that level. I will now be critical of your work. Beware!


Nathan R. Petrie said...

hahaha Thanks bro. Yeah I typically have a line or two of contrived rhyme or meter. But I don't usually go back and fix it. This time I actually do so other people agreeing about where the error is always helps :)

As for every word counting, I really picked up on that in the last year as well. And definitly wanna go back over this and make it so (ah couldn't resist....old treky never dies haha).

Second to last stanza needs work too hahaha.

Thanks for the well thought out ideas. Always a pleasure!


Nathan R. Petrie said...

Just a quick update. I heavily edited this poem a while back for my GSA audition. Turned out fantastic. Will post the new version soon!


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